This is my favorite time of the year by far. At Halloween time I become the neighborhood nut and I am proud of it. Everyone has one thing they are crazy about and for me it’s Halloween. If Halloween was a place I would write the tourist brochure and everyone would want to come. My fog machines will billow and my scary music will play. The neighborhood kids will approach my door with caution. And well they should, because I will have a surprise or two waiting for them. I give out the good candy, but you have to pay the price to get it. One day I will reach my goal. One day, out of sheer terror at the sight of my mighty Halloween display, a child will wet himself. For his suffering he will receive all the candy in my dish, and I shall retire from Halloween forever, for I will have reached its highest peak.
You have to admit that it has more flair than the other holidays. Christmas is nice because you get presents, but Christmas is like a having a mine field right in the family room. Eventually, you are going to step and on a bouncing betty and blow your foot right into your mouth. If you’re lucky some random coat-tail relation will do it first and you can just watch and giggle. Either way though, dinner is going to be awkward and someone will give you socks. Enjoy the return line at Walmart. Sorry Jesus.
The Fourth of July comes in a close second to Halloween. After all, it is the only holiday to feature explosives. It does have that indeed. However, recently it has lost its luster . I seem to spend more time worrying about getting caught than enjoying the explosions. When I was a kid you could just blow stuff up. You could shoot pop-bottle rockets at each other and lawsuits weren’t involved. Now I have to sneak around just to light a sparkler. It’s easier to just take the kids to the park to watch the big displays. It was way more fun when there was a risk of bodily harm. Screw you, Fourth of July!
New Years Eve has to be mentioned here, but it really has nothing on Halloween. Seriously, do you really want to spend an evening with increasingly drunk people waiting around to see who they are going to slobber on at midnight? And of course don’t forget the life of the party - the pudgy middle-aged man dressed as the baby new-year accosting all the ladies for even the slightest grope. Congratulations New Year! You’re a winner! There’s puke on your shoes and you’re still celibate. Was it worth it? Probably not.
Last, but certainly not least, is Thanksgiving - the holiday where we celebrate the subjugation of native peoples by stuffing ourselves silly with foods harvested from their former lands. When cooked properly, irony tastes a bit like the white meat. Need I say more? Yes I do, because thanksgiving has so much to offer. I particularly enjoy the many classic thanksgiving conversations such as, “No, the turkey is not too dry.”, “Detroit always plays on Thanksgiving.”, and the age-old classic “Shhh! Grandma doesn’t know he is gay”. If Thanksgiving were a person I would punch that person in the face. Hard.
So we arrive at Halloween. Never mind its ties to ancient pagan celebrations or the gratuitous gore. It is a wholesome, family holiday celebrating a multi-cultural world where humans and zombies can live together in harmony. It is the one day that Indiana Jones can share a drink with a giant Snickers bar , every woman can free her inner slut, and ritual pumpkin mutilation is the norm.. It is a time when kids are allowed to roam the streets in small gangs after dark and take candy from strangers. The good people of Detroit even burn part of their city down every year to mark the occasion. No other holiday can boast of grassroots urban renewal projects. It is a magical time when we put on masks and try to scare the crap out of each other and nobody thinks they are being mugged. Halloween is glorious.
Happy Halloween!
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